Are You Spontaneous or Responsive? – Better in Bed

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Last weekend, we talked about the heat between the sheets. When it comes to fanning the flames in the bedroom, it all comes down to our desires.

Like flames, our desires can be dangerous if they get out of control, but that doesn’t mean they are bad. It means we need to know how to understand them. When we understand them, we better know how to manage them and when to act on them.

This is why Lead Pastor Ben Snyder instructed us to “know your libido.”  Our libido is simply our sexual desires. It is often called our sex drive or  described as our appetite for sex.

There are many stereotypes attributed to people’s sex drives, and perhaps the most persistent stereotype says that men think about sex every seven seconds. These stereotypes and ones like it are not helpful, though, because they can cause us to place expectations on our spouses that simply are not correct.

Instead, we should try to know their libidos. Ben Snyder shared two types of libidos this weekend that can help us better understand ourselves and our spouses. These two types of libido are spontaneous and responsive.

The spontaneous libido is like a light switch. With little effort, a simple flick turns on the lights. Similarly, those with a spontaneous libido need little effort to be in the mood and ready for sex.

The responsive libido is more like a slow dimmer switch that gradually turns on the light, and it can take a little more effort and time to turn it on. Those with a responsive libido might not be in the mood for sex at first, but they will be as they are lovingly engaged throughout the day.

If you want to be better in bed, it will be helpful to know your libido and know your spouse’s libido. By knowing your libidos, you will be able to manage your desires, avoid frustrations, and know when you are each ready for sex.

Ecclesiastes 3:1
For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.

Genesis 4:1   (ESV)
Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain, saying, “I have gotten a man with the help of the Lord.”

Questions:
What type of libido do you have? What type of libido does your spouse have?

How can the above answers help you be better in bed?

From Ben’s message, what are the risks to each type of libido?

Next Steps:
Continue taking steps to know/yada your spouse. Share with them what type of libido you have.

Opt into the Text Campaign. There are still two weeks of fun content to help couples be better together. Text BETTER to 419-419-0707.

Join a Group. This is the primary way we see people grow and take next steps. The app has the directory right at your fingertips to help you see the Groups available.

Attend the February 2022 Marriage Event. We are opening up registration during this series. To begin registration, simply text MARRIAGE to 419.419.0707.

Prayer:
Dear God, thank you for the gift of desires. Please help me to grow and understand them better. I pray that my desires never master me and that I never bury them. Instead, teach me how and when to act on them so they can be healthy. Finally, help me know my spouse better and understand the desires you have given them. In Jesus’ name, amen.

This post was written by Ben Bockert. Ben is a proud husband and father of three beautiful daughters. He is honored to serve as the Director of the LivingItOut Bible Study.

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I Want It That Way – Better in Bed

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This week we have been learning the difference between healthy and unhealthy desires. Last weekend, Lead Pastor Ben Snyder said that it is healthy to have desire. Not a single person should feel guilty for having desire. It is appropriate to think about what excites us and what stimulates the greatest desire in us. It’s good for those who aren’t married to get curious about their desires and think about that “someday” when the time will come to share that desire with a future spouse.

Ben encouraged us to ask God how to honor that desire, but he also had a few words of warning. He cautioned us not to make a person the object of our desire because that is when it becomes lust and is sinful. Pastor Ben also cautioned us to avoid unhelpful stereotypes such as “men always want sex, and women never want it.” These stereotypes create assumptions that are simply not true and can be very destructive.

While it is healthy for someone who is single to better understand their desires, it is equally healthy, if not more so, for a married couple to understand and pay attention to their desires. As one who is married, it is not only important to yada, or know, your own desires but also those of your spouse.

Have you ever just given in to purely physical desire with your spouse? While it may have been enjoyable in the moment, it can leave you feeling somewhat empty afterward. Pastor Ben explained that if you want a better bedroom experience, you need to take the time to truly know your desires and your partner’s. It’s important to think about the whole person—not just their physical desires—but also their mental and emotional desires. What turns you on, and what turns you off? What about your spouse? Take the time to learn and share your desires with each other. The more you know about what pleases your spouse, the more satisfaction you will bring to him/her and, ultimately, to yourself.

Genesis 2:24-25
This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.

Genesis 4:1
Now Adam had sexual relations with his wife, Eve, and she became pregnant.

Knowing each other’s desires and improving the marital relationship in the bedroom fulfills what God intended from the moment of creation.

Questions:
If you are single, do you cultivate your desires in a healthy way?

If you’re married, do you truly take the time to learn your spouse’s desires as a whole person?

Next Steps:
Opt into the Text Campaign. There are still two weeks of fun content to help couples be better together. Text BETTER to 419-419-0707.

Join a Group. This is the primary way we see people grow and take next steps. The app has the directory right at your fingertips to help you see the Groups available.

Attend the February 2022 Marriage Event. We are opening up registration during this series. To begin registration, simply text MARRIAGE to 419.419.0707.

Prayer:
Gracious God, thank you for creating a physical, spiritual, and mental way for us to enjoy our spouses. Thank you for creating desire and helping us to cultivate it in a healthy way, seeking your guidance to avoid going astray. Help those who are single to develop a healthy understanding of their desire and to avoid the pitfall of creating a lustful heart. Father, help those who are married to grow deeper in their relationships by truly getting to know the desires of their partner. Amen.

This post was written by Ned Miller, a regular contributor to the LivingItOut Bible Study.

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Unrestrained Desire Leads to Slavery – Better in Bed

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One of the important lessons all people must learn is the difference between a want and a need. For example, everyone needs food, water, sleep, air, and some sort of shelter. You may have different preferences like ice cream or coffee, but you don’t need those to survive. When you need something, you are a slave to that. We need air to survive. We need food, even if it is just bread and vegetables, and water to survive. So in that way, we are slaves to those needs. God made us that way. However, Paul says:

1 Corinthians 6:13
You say, “Food was made for the stomach, and the stomach for food.” (This is true, though someday God will do away with both of them.) But you can’t say that our bodies were made for sexual immorality. They were made for the Lord, and the Lord cares about our bodies.

God created us with these basic needs, and they are good. However, any need can be taken to an unhealthy extreme. When people become addicted to a substance, activity, or experience, they become a slave to it. The wants or desires ultimately enslave the person engaging in those behaviors. Lead Pastor Ben Snyder pointed out this weekend that when we are mastered by anything, it begins to kill us. When we allow our desires to consume our lives, they crush us into a small, one-dimensional being that is defined by those desires.

In our culture, sexual identity is a hot-button issue. Many define themselves based on their sexuality, and therefore, they are enslaved by it. Our identity should not be based on what we do or who we think we are. When we do not find our identity in Christ, we will ultimately be enslaved by that identity. Because when desires, sexual or otherwise, define us, we are allowing those desires to take the place of God.

1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 (NIV)
3 It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; 4 that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, 5 not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God…

When we know God, we need to put our desire in its proper place. If we cannot control our bodies, we are slaves to them and have made our desires our idol or god. These desires then begin to define our self-worth and value. God created us as multidimensional beings. Our sexuality is one of those dimensions, but it should not be our primary dimension. We were made for so much more.

Galatians 5:1 (NIV)
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

Questions:
Do you know the difference between a want and a need? When you think of your own sexuality, does it define your identity? Are your sexual desires in line with the parameters laid out in Scripture?

Next Steps:
If your sexual desires do not line up with the parameters laid out in Scripture, get help. Check out Celebrate Recovery to meet with other people and help reframe your sexuality in a way that honors God and yourself. If your sexual desires do line up with those in Scripture, use those desires to honor God, your spouse, and yourself this week.

Prayer:
Heavenly Father, thank you for making us multidimensional beings. Thank you for the gift of sex. Thank you for giving us guidelines that help us honor you and our bodies with this gift. Help us to bring our desires under your control and to embrace the boundaries you have put in place so that we may live in freedom. Amen.

This post was written by Julie Mabus. Julie has a passion for thinking about big ideas, art, reading, and seeing God reveal himself through creation. She is married and is homeschooling her five young children.

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Don’t Be Casual – Better in Bed

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This past weekend, Lead Pastor Ben Snyder continued unpacking our series, Better in Bed, with this Bottom Line: HEALTHY DESIRE increases heat between the sheets. Is this an appropriate topic for church? According to Pastor Ben, it is not only healthy to talk about it but also important. Be mindful that this subject matter is not suitable for all ages that’s why the church put disclaimers out.

In today’s culture, casual sex can be categorized in many different ways. Sex with no strings attached, friends with benefits, and sex with an ex are just a few.

Sex is one-dimensional in all these situations, and it satisfies only the physical part of our desires. God cares about all parts of us—physical, mental, and spiritual—so we need to remember that sex is more than just physical.

The Apostle Paul corrected the wrong thinking of some Corinthian Christians who were participating in sexual immorality. It’s not surprising that some Christians did not see sexual immorality as a serious issue, as there were myriad sexual activities in Corinth. These wrong-thinking Christians believed that since Christians were not under The Law (Old Testament/Jewish Law), it was not sinful. Second, they thought that sex was like any other appetite when you are hungry … you eat. Third, they thought since the spirit lives forever, and God only cared about the spirit, that what they did with their bodies didn’t matter.

1 Corinthians 6:15-17
15 Don’t you realize that your bodies are all parts of Christ? Should a man take his body, which is part of Christ, and join it to a prostitute? Never!  16 And don’t you realize that if a man joins himself to a prostitute, he becomes one body with her? For the Scripture says, “The two are united into one.” 17 But the person who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with him.

Paul used these verses to show how all parts of our being belong to Christ, and to have immoral sex dishonors the entire body of Christ. He paid a price for all of us with his death, burial, and resurrection. Pastor Ben said that if Christ was willing to go that far for you today and for eternity, YOU MATTER! So, you should not be casual with your desires.

Paul also references the language around the God-honoring desires in marriage, where the two become one flesh. To have casual sex is not God-honoring and is not blessed by God. The biblical sexual tells us not to sexualize our relationships outside of marriage.

Questions:
Are your desires honoring your whole person? If not, talk with a trusted Christian friend about your desires.

If you are single or single again, are you sexualizing your relationships outside of marriage? If so, understand that you are a multidimensional being and God has a better plan for you.

Next Steps:
Hitching Post printed a relevant article on March 29, 2021, by Lynn Knapp titled “Honoring God with Your Sex Life.” To read the article, click: https://www.hitchingpostweddings.com/2021/03/29/honoring-god-with-your-sex-life/.

Prayer:
Dear Lord, open my eyes so I may see that sex is more than physical. Grant me wisdom to see the beauty in sexual intimacy the way you intended. Give me strength to seek sexual purity in my relationship so I may honor you. In your Son’s holy name I pray, amen.

This post was written by Jennifer Macke. Jenn has a son, daughter, granddaughter, and grandson, and she thanks God every day for them. She is enjoying retirement and feels blessed to be writing for LivingItOut. She was raised in an Evangelical Church, but her spiritual life awakened when she started attending CedarCreek.

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Let God’s Desire Shine In – Better in Bed

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It’s natural to have desires. For instance, I love sushi! My years spent in San Diego spoiled me when it comes to that particular love. I follow my favorite sushi restaurants on social media, so my desire for that cuisine grows when I see a post. The problem is, I live in Fostoria, which isn’t considered a top anything for food snobs. When my desire grows and I can’t make it anywhere else, I’ll pop into my local grocery store in an attempt to satisfy my cravings. I have learned to somewhat enjoy the sometimes-tasty sushi from my local store. I can have sushi whenever I want, but the location and quality aren’t always a good idea. Timing is key, and saying no to the discounts is crucial.

1 Corinthians 10:23
You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. You say, “I am allowed to do anything,”—but not everything is beneficial.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 “A Time for Everything”
For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.

These scriptures go beyond my yearning for omakase-style sushi. They encompass all desires, including sexual.

Lead Pastor Ben Snyder said, “In order for healthy desire to bring heat between the sheets, we need to know how and when to navigate our desires.” He also mentioned that healthy desire is leveraging wisdom to know how and when to act on what you are feeling.

When some of us hear the phrase between the sheets, our minds take us to the famous Isley Brothers song, and we’re ready to turn the lights down low. We don’t take the time to understand where our desires are coming from or who gave them to us. We don’t think about whether or not our desires honor God, the people close to us, and ourselves. This week as you reflect on the message Ben shared with us and the LivingItOut, consider your desires and what you can do to ensure they are healthy.

Questions:
Have you ever taken the time to understand your desires? Do you have safe people to talk to when you have questions about your desires and feelings?

Next Steps:
Study your Bible to gain an understanding of God’s intentions for our desires. Consider other resources: Men, read Every Man’s Battle; women, read  Every Woman’s Battle to help combat the challenges of temptation. Find people you can talk to about breaking down sexual desires.

Prayer:
God, healthily guide me to learn, acknowledge, and respect my desires and those of my spouse as we continue to grow into who you made us to be. Remind those searching for healthy and spiritual relationships to be patient as they learn more about themself and their potential partner. Let us be mindful of our influence to teach our children about the desires of the body, mind, and heart. Amen.

This post was written by Jaron Camp, a regular contributor to the LivingItOut Bible Study.

Check out the Latest LivingItOut Podcast

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We would love to hear how the LivingItOut is making a difference in your life. Let us know how today’s post inspired, challenged, or encouraged you by leaving a comment here.

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